What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 06:00
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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She married twice! .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i do to all so called friends.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What do you typically do while on meth?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do many men like women's breasts?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
How does someone start doing urban exploration?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I will be 64.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She wouldn,t have been !
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
This is soul school!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
What are some sex stories from your college days?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So whats the point in blame.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It was going to be , some day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Who then, do I blame.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im still living with it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We all went to grammer schools
My life is so biszare .
Would this be the day?
We were not on the streets..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Put me off passion for life!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She found it foreign!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So, i spoilt her more .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was very sick at this time too.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was in good health!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I think the readers, may guess!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was 9 years of age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I write beautiful poetry .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He knew the spot.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But ive been too sick for many years..
I said to her
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why did i forgive my father ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
What did i know ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I waited trembling.
I don,t even have a pension.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I have no regrets .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My family never makes their pension either.
Ive learnt so much.
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
When she asked me how she looked .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.